rigging | tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me

Entry tags:

when: day 87

tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me

[ It's harder and harder for him to stay up as they get into the week. He has no idea how close he is to the end but after everything, after all of the dreams and awful shit he's been through, he's just done. Tired. And the only way he can get this out of his system, the only thing he wants right now is to be really fucking drunk.

Ned knows he was a drug addict. Pinkman saw him get bullied by his dad. Things he didn't want anybody to know have been on display like bright, blinking neon lights. Get drunk. Forget about it.

So he does. He's a little sneaky about it because he doesn't really want anybody to see him. He grabs his booze and leaves the house, flops out near the lighthouse, by the beach, and drinks himself into oblivion. He'll just stay here until someone calls him home. Or someone walks by, and then he'll have to pretend nothing's wrong. Like usual. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Can't out-sneak a sneak, Jesse. Don't think Kenzi isn't still paranoid about you doing anything anywhere ever with anyone not at the house! She's just a lot more quiet about it these days. But she's still watching and she sees more than people think.

Which is why when he's been gone long enough for the agitated weapon-cleaning to turn into frantic pacing, she heads out of the house to track him down with a folded up blanket under her arm. The days might be warm, but the nights are still cool. Especially by the beach.

She moves a little slower when she sees him. Less frantic, more cautious. Then she shakes out the blanket and drops it over his shoulders before dropping down in the sand next to him. What are you up to, Jesse? See, now she's more worried than before.]

Hey. [Just gonna nudge his arm lightly with her elbow,] You better not be out here trying to pick up sexy mermaids. Seriously, if that's the case, we'll be having sushi for a week!

[ Oop. That's an attempt to hide the bottle he's drinking heavily from. It clinks loudly against the rocks and he winces, even as she's draping the blanket around him. He should've left a note. She was probably worried - Galen's probably worried, and Jesse pulls the blanket around himself tightly with a sigh, trying to hide the bottle under it. ]

... Yeah. Heard mermen taste better, though. Or, y'know, the fucking sea monster that's out there. Bet that would make some hell of a sushi roll. [ He sniffs. And manages to keep a hold on his slurring! Mostly. He's pretty drunk. ]

[Kenzi is literally worried about 89% of the time when it comes to Jesse so no surprise there. And she heard that clinking! Unless his junk is suddenly made of glass--]

Bet the sea monster would at least share the goods. Are you trying to get rid of all the booze we have because you think I have a problem? Because I'm not an alcoholic, Jess, I'm just Russian-Canadian. Huge difference.

[Trying desperately to keep it light here, but dude. You're sloshed, aren't you? She can tell. Honestly, she's just glad it's not as bad as the night Phil died and Galen went missing.]

... Bet I could make a pretty kickass dream catcher with enough string, feathers, and beads. We could just tape it to your head instead of hanging it up. What do you say?

[ Only because there's none of the illegal stuff left hanging around. Not that Jesse knows of, anyway. But Kenzi's not stupid and she knows he's drunk, and he sort of groans, laughing a little helplessly as he covers his head with his arms. ]

Nah, you - y'aren't the one with problems. [ Well, no, she does have her own set, but Jesse's drunk and wallowing in self-loathing, it's hard not to just say whatever. As for the dream catcher, he sighs, grabbing for the bottle. ]

Think that. Might be a good plan. Good plan, go fer it. [ He takes another swig from under his blanket, holding the bottle to his chest. Any other time he'd share, but he's selfish, tonight. ] Are - Canandians even... alcoholic? Like, do they got drinking problems cause I thought that was Russians, like. Only. With vodka. Wodka. I dunno.

[PSHT! She's got problems. So many problems. But right now Jesse's problems have him in a headlock. Kenzi frowns a little before realizing frowning is probably a terrible idea and tries to keep her expression neutral from there on out.]

Fine! I will! Fashionable dream catcher hat. It's gonna be fab and everyone will be jealous. [Oh my god, Jesse. She just stares at him... and then snickers.] Dude, duh! Why do you think our beer is so much stronger than yours? We, as a nation, have become immune to alcohol at low doses. Vodka is no exception, bozhe moy.

[He doesn't have to share. Just let her put her arm around your shoulders, Jesse, no sharing necessary.]

[ Pft. Jesse looks at her, half-smiling in that utterly tired sort of way, a last leg smile, his head sort of spinning. Fashionable dream catcher hat, right - he'll take one. It's nice - that she's out here with him, trying to make him feel better without getting in his face about what's wrong. It makes him want to spill, to kiss her, to do a lot of things.

What he ends up doing is when she puts her arms around his shoulders, he leans into her, burying his face against her neck. Silence, for a few moments, and then he just lets the bottle in his grip clink to the ground as his shoulders jerk. ]

[Woah, woah hey! Oh no. Aw, sweetie. She holds him closer, other arm going around him, too. She knows he's having a rough time with this dream bullshit, but he was already having a rough time with coming back from the freakin' dead and now it's gotta be about a million times worse.]

Hey, it's okay. You're gonna be okay. [Eventually. Doesn't have to be now. It's okay to let it out or keep it in or whatever is going to help him the most. Hell, they could just sit there for a million hours if that's what he needs! She doesn't care. She just kisses the side of his face and lets him lean.]

[ She holds him a little closer and that's about all his stupid drunk brain can take. He sort of dissolves, curls into her side and just clings for a while, crying without bothering to be quiet. Right now, he's too wasted to care that he's embarrassing himself, just that this feels better than keeping it all in. It's been poisoning him.

She kisses the side of his head and he sucks in a shuddery, wet breath, trying to get his voice long enough to speak. He's muffled and it's half a sob, but he still manages: ] M'so s-scared, I-I -- I d-don't f-feel -- feel safe anymore, Kenzi --

[Being scared and not feeling safe is nothing new to her. She gets it, really, she does. But there's a difference between a healthy fear and letting it take over your life. He's still having panic attacks. He still freaks out about his back and in small spaces, she notices that shit. She's seen him do it! She just wants to help him not feel that fear anymore.]

Jesse... I know. I know you're scared, but you also gotta know that I'm never gonna let anything happen to you, okay? As long as I'm here, you're safe. I freakin' promise! [Why do you think she interrogated Pinkman? Why do you think she gets all pissy whenever you leave to hang out with Fun Ghoul?] No one's gonna hurt you while I'm around. Swear on my ninja sword.

I love you so much, so just... it's okay to be scared. But when I'm here, there's nothing to be scared of because I'll just kick its ass, okay?

[ He doesn't want to feel this fear anymore either. He's so sick of feeling helpless and the thing is he doesn't know how to fix it. Clinging at Kenzi's shirt, Jesse gets out a few more sobs, even as he's listening. She's here. She won't let anything hurt him and he's - actually reassured by that. A lot. He trusts that she's telling the truth. ]

I -- I-I... [ He starts, but it stutters out and he has to stop and breathe instead. With the sobs in his voice, he tries again. ] M'just. M'just tired of b-being -- being pathetic. [ It's almost bitter. He hides his face. ] I d-dunno what to d-do, I'm -- c-constantly on the breaking. [ He slurs it a little, shaking. ] Chest's h-heavy. Can't ever b-breathe anymore.

You're not pathetic. You're the opposite of pathetic. Babe, you're just exhausted and dealing with a lot of shit no one should have to deal with, but you're still strong! Because if you weren't strong, you would have broken for good a long ass time ago.

[It hurts her to hear him so upset, but she'd rather he get it all out than keep it in like he's been doing. She squeezes his arm, cradles his head with her other hand while he hides his face.] First of all, take a deep breath right the hell now. Secondly ... maybe you should get in on some of those self defense classes going on. I know you got moves, but maybe it could help.

[Build up his confidence, make him feel a bit more secure? Maybe that was a stupid suggestion, she doesn't want it to come off as insulting. She's just trying for a solution here. Something gradual that's going to help him heal.]

[ Exhausted is an understatement. All he needs is to sleep without any dreams, that's all he wants. Running through everybody's dreams isn't sleeping - it's like running in place, never completely asleep. He knows he's not the only one - he knows other people are going through the same thing. But it doesn't make it any easier.

She holds him close and he trembles in her grip, doing as he's told. Deep breath. ] ... Maybe. [ He mutters. He's not too big on that if only because he feels like it wouldn't be worth it. What good is self defense going to do against superpowers? Against someone who sneaks up on him? Against someone who doesn't even bother with that, just runs him through with a sword. His breath stutters again at that thought, and he shakes his head. ] I j-just. I just wanna sleep. [ He finally gets out, almost a whimper. ] Kenzi, I just - I wanna - I c-can't, with... with Galen, and -- m'not getting better f-fast enough, a-and --

[ His grip tightens. ]

I know. I know-- woah. Woah, woah, hang on. [That fragmented, stuttery sentence gets her complete attention. She wants to look him in the eye but she doesn't dare let go.]

Can't what with Galen? Who says you have a deadline on getting better? Hold up a sec. What the hell do you mean 'not getting better fast enough'? [That actually bothers her a little. Okay, it bothers her a lot. After all that Inari bullshit, Kenz knows it doesn't just get better right away, and Jesse had it a little worse than a freakin' kidnapping.]

[ He heaves out a little sigh, scrunching. He doesn't want to make things worse. ] Just - f-feel... feel like s'my fault. [ He exhales the words - the only reason this is coming out is because he's got alcohol in his system. He doesn't dare voice this any other time. ] Galen just wants me better n'm'trying. Been trying. Been trying for - everybody, G, Ned, Bruce. [ Muffled, defeated: ] S'not fast enough. They ain't gonna wait f-forever.

[No no no no no. Come here, blanket burrito, stop hiding your face for a second so she can kiss you properly and wipe away your tears with her thumb and keep the other arm around you. Just stop for a sec. Look at her. Hey, look. Time for super serious Kenzi. ]

Galen wants you. Not better, just you. No matter what your head is doing. Okay? And I know you've been trying. I know. But forcing it isn't going to make you better. That shiz takes time! And you need to stop trying to be what you think everyone wants and just let yourself heal. They will just have to fucking wait or I'm gonna make them fucking wait. Not even joking. There will be significant junkpunches. [The hand on his face moves up to smooth his hair back and out of his face before resting on his cheek again. Drunken, tear stained mess and she still thinks he's the most adorable thing on the planet.]

It's not your fault. Anyone who says different can take a long walk of a short-ass pier. With sharks! Sharks in the water. Under the pier. That they are walking off of. And the sharks have lasers.

[ Super serious Kenzi makes a difference. She kisses him and wipes away his tears and Jesse can almost feel his lungs unlocking, easing up. He's a mess and he hates that he is, but her reassurance is a step to his tears to stop flowing so steadily.

Forcing it isn't going to make it better. It's just - hard. When he feels so much like it's his fault that people like Galen and Ned were so broken up over his death, that he affected them the way he did. But he lets out a shivery little sigh, letting his gaze fall to the ground when she pushes his hair back.

And maybe the sharks gets him to laugh, even if it's warbled and pathetic. ] Sharks with lasers. Terrifying.

[ A beat, and then he reaches to take Kenzi's hand gently, linking their fingers. ] ... S'hard - to. To think that same way. That people ain't expecting. [ He starts, heavily. ] I hear it in their words, y'know? In the sighs and just want y'betters.

The - him killing me - weren't my fault, but the shit they - you, felt, all the hurt - that is. S'just something I gotta - live with. Ahah. Live with.

[Any laugh is a good laugh. Any break in the heavy feeling constantly weighing him down is good. Kenzi smiles, genuinely smiles, because she could give him that. She stares down at their joined hands as he talks, smile slowly turning into a frown.]

... So... what, it's your fault you're so freaking lovable that people get seriously messed up if you're not around? That's basically what you're saying. That's pretty much what happened! You were gone, worlds shattered. But you know what? You're the one that d-- ... went... through that. [Nice save. She looks up, shaking her head.] Not them. This isn't about Ned. It's not about Galen. It's not about me. This is about you and what you need. And I'm going to be there for you whether you get better or not.

[She looks back down at their hands, shrugging. Playing it cool. Just play it off.] So... fuck it. If you have to pretend everything is awesome to get them off your case, do it. But when you need to just be you... and do what you gotta do ... just promise you'll come see me. Because I get it. I get being scared and I get faking it for appearances. We can just be fucked up together.

[ For a while, Jesse just takes that in. Processes it. And then he brings Kenzi's hand to his chest and holds it there, tucking their linked fingers under his chin and closing his eyes. Okay. He can do that. ]

Thanks, Kenz. [ Jesse murmurs, head leaning against her shoulder. It's not that he hasn't heard this before - it's just, the way that she puts it, focuses it entirely on him... it makes him feel not quite so achy as before. He won't stop worrying about Kenzi or anybody else but the fact that she's telling him focus on you, on yourself - he can take that. ]

Love you. [ That's a little harder to say - but he's also drunk. It comes out much easier than normal, and he emphasizes it by kissing her knuckles. ]

Anytime. [And anything. Literally anything. Kenzi can count on one hand the number of people she'd do anything for.

She rests her cheek against his head on her shoulder and tries not to outwardly freak out at the L word. It's implied, always implied, but hearing it out loud from Jesse is still a big thing and she doesn't take it for granted. The kiss eases her a bit and she sighs contentedly.]

Love you, too. Obvi. Quit hogging the blanket, dude! [Because then she can get it around both of their shoulders and then they can just sit there for a while. Maybe make a drunken sand castle. Whatever. So long as Jesse can get some peace, they don't have to go back to the house right away. It's actually pretty nice out here.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject